I knew the day would come when I would return to Wisconsin and start to pursue a dream and a goal I carried since high school. Back then I wanted to turn this dairy farm into a beef ranch. I wanted my days to be filled with riding horses, tending to the cattle, and working the fields. I also knew I wanted to turn a section of field into flowers and a space for weddings and special events.

After I graduated I went to my Dad and told him what I wanted to do with the farm. His response was disheartening as he informed me, “you can milk cows”. Honestly, by that time I was done with milking cows. As much as I love a dairy cow, I couldn’t dedicate the rest of my life to it. By 16 my knees were getting worn out from squatting down next to them in the milking process. We had what is known as ‘tie stalls’. The cows walk down an aisle into a stall where they are tied up facing a manger. The eat while we bring a milker to them, plug it in and the milk goes into a pipeline that takes it to a bulk tank. A bulk tank is basically a holding tank that is insulated to keep the milk at a certain temperature.

Things in the dairy industry had evolved into a parlor milking style. A parlor is where a cow would walk in on an elevated platform made out of concrete. They would get their grain rations and you would approach them with their udder at an elevated level making it easier to put the milker on and take it off. It was faster and more efficient way of milking. When I Dad said I could milk I tried to find a solution so I could do what I wanted to do and what he wanted. I asked if we could put a parlor in the barn and he said no, he wanted no changes made to the barn. Unfortunately, in any business, if you don’t evolve you won’t find progress.

I had hoped with the parlor it would allow me to milk, still have time to train horses and slowly introduce beef cows to the farm. It would put me in a position to eventually change a section of a field over so I could start hosting special events. Some how I knew way back then that farming needed to evolve and change. Something told me it was not a solid plan to go forward in one area of farming, it needed something to help support it to be successful.

But, my Dad was stubborn and refused to allow me to go forward with my plan. I didn’t want to stay in this particular area if I couldn’t pursue what I wanted to do on the farm, so I left to explore life.

That decision left me to take on jobs I hated, but I knew it would give me experience I needed for my ultimate goal, to one day take over the farm and start an agritourism business. When I was in high school and college, agritourism wasn’t a thing, yet. But, some how I had the forthcoming thoughts to walk in a progressive direction.

Then the day came when I was on the phone with my Mom and I knew something was wrong. She had Alzheimer’s and her decline had become significantly noticeable. The car I had at the time was breaking down and had been for over a year. Every three to five weeks my car was in the shop. Sometimes it would be there for a day sometimes three to five weeks. It was draining any money I had set aside for my goal of traveling with my dog, taking photos and writing stories about our adventures. I wanted to be a nomad with a blog and YouTube following. I had written stories about Tennessee with a focus on Nashville. It worked quite well when I drove for Uber. I put up QR codes that took passengers to my articles and stories. It didn’t take long to build up to having 10,000 hits a month to my website. My social media was growing and I had started a TikTok. The only thing holding me back was I needed to get my truck running, it was having some issues and it was becoming more impossible to get it repaired with my car constantly in the shop.

The dream of being a travel writer was fading and I didn’t know how to get pass this gigantic obstacle. In May 2022 I had signed up to attend a travel writers convention that was being held in Memphis. I didn’t know how I was going to make it as my car, once again, was in the shop. This was a five week hold on it as the mechanic tried to figure out what was wrong.

A friend suggested I rent a U-Haul to get myself to the convention. I signed up online, rented a truck, loaded it with my things and my dog and we were on our way to Memphis. I found a work around and was able to attend the convention. By the time I had attended the convention I had been living as a nomad for seven months and it was not working. Living out of your vehicle is great until that vehicle is constantly under repair.

I had a Dodge Caliber and anyone who has ever been around or worked on the Caliber knows they no longer make them for a reason. Over and over I would hear from mechanics how they could not believe I got my Caliber past 150,000 miles. Apparently, it was quite typical for this particular vehicle to break down early in its existence.  By taking care of it I was able to get my Caliber to over 317,000 miles.

But, the day I had the call with my Mom when I knew I needed to check on her I was in a panic. How would I ever get to Wisconsin from Tennessee when my vehicle could barely get across Davidson County? My friend Austin and I were back and forth in conversations to find a solution when I was slowly driving across the parking lot of a Starbucks. There was a horrible noise, my dog sat up and gave me a look of concern and Austin asked, “What was that?” Parts were falling off my car. He convinced me to be done with that car and I did the thing I wanted to avoid, get a different one. I had put so much into my Caliber it had drained my savings and it made me nervous to step into a vehicle with payments when this one was paid off. I realize this probably lacks a bit of logic, but when funds are draining and the future seems uncertain, purchasing a vehicle doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. But, staying with a vehicle that continues to break down is also not the solution.

I took Austin’s advice and found myself in a Subaru Forester. The plans to go check on my Mom went into action. I made the drive from Tennessee to Wisconsin, stopping for the night in Eau Claire so I could go and see her in the morning.

I called her and talked to her on my way. I pulled into the driveway and when I got to the door she didn’t recognize me. I told her I was the person she was talking to on the phone. She was happy to see me and I offered to take her for a ride. My Mom always enjoyed getting out and going for a ride, it was something her and my Dad used to do.

I knew things would definitely need to change when about 20 minutes into the ride I asked her if she knew who I was and she replied, “no”. Panic set and I instantly thought, “omg, she is basically in a vehicle with a stranger. That is terrifying.” It was confirmed, I needed to move back immediately.

That summer I went back and forth between Wisconsin and Nashville wrapping up my life as I knew it. Unfortunately, I had just started a garden maintenance business and it had picked up quite quickly. I would drive to Nashville, pick up supplies, go to the job site and work quickly to get these gardens done in an extremely short amount of time. I had lined up photo sessions and unfortunately, I would get in the southern region of Illinois and get a text. “Can we reschedule? It’s going to be 105.” It was impossible for me to reschedule because I had just driven 1,000 miles to get there and would only be in the area a few days before returning to Wisconsin.

September 2022 I told my brother I would stay to help Mom, but I wanted to pursue this goal I had since college and I needed to use some of the farm. I picked out seven acres of field along with the old cow pasture, the dairy barn, round roof barn and the section of lawn and an area where the heifers had a small pasture between the barns. It was agreed I would pay the same amount to rent the field as the neighbor who rents the fields from us. Frustrated I needed to pay to use my own families land, part of me also felt I was giving myself a bit of a guard of safety in being able to use the space.

September 2022 my life changed. I completely gave up the life I had worked hard over the years to curate for myself in Nashville. I said good-bye to friends who had become my family. I canceled my rock climbing gym membership, in my trips to Tennessee my dog and I walked the hiking trails for the last time (for a while). My favorite places to eat were visited and I marveled at the city that had become my home, shaped me and helped me find my way.

It was hard driving out of that town for the last time. On my drive through Illinois I was on the phone with my friend Austin and asked him, “How will I meet someone? I couldn’t find someone when I lived there before, so how will I find someone now?” He said in the most reassuring and confident way, “I think God is relocating you there because your person is there. I bet it is someone who drives by the farm all the time.” I told him if he was so confident, he needed to come up and sit at the end of the driveway and flag this person down for me.

I would soon find out in the upcoming months that would lead to over two years there would be no time for dating or friends.

The opportunity I waited for was finally before me. Plans began to take place on what I would do, how I would lay things out and visualized how things would come together. Anyone who has set off on any given endeavor or business adventure already knows, things won’t always go as planned.

I was heading into a winter I had not experienced since college. It was the most amount of snow this region had received in years. Internet was sketchy and I went from the modern world to a time when internet didn’t exist. I went four months without internet and for some that may seem peaceful, but being completely removed from my social group, it was painfully stressful.

Being a caregiver to anyone is hard. Taking on a caregiver role to someone who is declining is a completely different level of a challenge. My Mom didn’t know who I was and at times that was frustrating to her. Being patient with someone who is angry with you due to their brain no longer recalls who you are is not always easy. Thankfully, I understood her state and did what I could to reassure her and keep her safe.

That winter was dark, cold and depressing. I began to eat my feelings and gained a lot of weight. I wasn’t working out like I normally did when I was in Tennessee. To make a phone call I would have to drive three miles from the farm to a backroad where I would park on a hill to get signal. For any kind of internet use on my laptop I would drive to the local library. But, that meant I had to leave my Mom. Thankfully, she was still in a condition where she could be left for an hour here or there. She had a routine where she would nap for at least an hour and a half, sometimes two, in the afternoon after she ate lunch. This was my window to run errands, pick up groceries or make a stop at the library.

My Mom’s sister had been assisting in her care and would give me a “day off” every other Sunday. My Mom’s sister made it clear she felt I did not deserve a day off. This day off consisted of me dropping my Mom off at her sister’s apartment in town around 11:00 am. I would use my time to drive to Eau Claire to go grocery shopping at Target. While there are grocery stores in my area, Target was my safe space. I knew the layout of the store, I knew where to find things and I could wander and clear my mind. After I picked up groceries I would get lunch at the Chinese Buffet next door and head back to be at the farm around 4:00 pm. That would allow me to get groceries unloaded and start something for supper for my Mom. She was usually more tired being out and would go to bed earlier.

Being an outdoorsy person, I was facing a struggle of wanting to be outside, but it was too cold to be outside. Both my dog and I struggled that winter. Spring could not have gotten here soon enough.

It helped when it was time for me to start planting seeds. But, I’m not set up with a space for pre-planting. There were 500 seeds started in the house. Containers holding them were everywhere from the entry way, the kitchen, dining room and living room. It had gotten out of control, especially when they began to thrive and grow.

Because of the space they took up I began to worry my Mom would get upset. She didn’t like change and this was definitely a change to her space. Thankfully, she never mentioned them. Maybe she was able to recall a time when she herself had started seeds and plants in the house for her garden?

But, this is where things began. With me caring for my Mom in a state where she was declining every three months. Dealing with her overbearing sister who would go out of her way to put me down and voice her disgust with me. All while dealing with a heavy dose of cabin fever, seasonal depression, depression from being away from my beloved town and depressed from the weather. In the midst of all of this there was hope. An opportunity I had been waiting on for years was in front of me. With uncertainty of what I was doing or how I would do it, I was pressing forward with an excitement and curiosity. 500 plants sitting in containers, a field that had been commercially farmed for years and a garden that had become starved for nutrients. Buildings and sections of a farm that had been neglected continued to wait patiently for my dream.

More work than I could ever expect would wait ahead. But, as 2023 began to make its way through the months, steps were being taken to unfold the pages of my dreams into a reality.